Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Randomize
