My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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