apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
