So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
