I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
