dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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