You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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