New low: just hacked my moms facebook
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
