i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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