I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
