I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
