I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
