if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
My vagina just recognized that song.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Randomize
