she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
