I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
