It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
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