if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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