shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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