I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
