God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
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