tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Randomize
