In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
