I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
