He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
