"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
