So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
He? As in you personified your dick?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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