I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
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