nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Randomize
