I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
