The police scanner is talking about you again....
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
