3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
