My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
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