I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
It's blow job season.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
