Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Randomize
