Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
