I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
you mean i was at the winter classic?
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
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