guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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