Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
