i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I know her cup size but not her name....
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
