UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
