I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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