what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
