My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
