ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Randomize
