That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Randomize
