need another drink. this is the easiest way
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Randomize
