I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Randomize
