Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
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