david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
