I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
