I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Randomize
