Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
