I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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