My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
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