Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
