Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
She's the barista slut.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
