I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
