The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
