I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
