i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
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