I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
