There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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