saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
