the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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