Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
