so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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