OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
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