my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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