I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Randomize
