Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
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