Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
