ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I'm sobbing to NWA
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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