I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
