Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
my being single is dangerous.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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