sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize