weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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