Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize